Yesterday was my first day back at work and the first time for our “morning routine” or what I like to call the fly by the seat of our pants. I was up at 4 fed bub a little as he wasn’t that hungry but I wanted to make sure that he would just sleep with daddy. I then went for a run (3 miles J woo hoo!) in the freezing cold. Got back, showered and dressed in record time, about 25 minutes. I then made lunches for the BF and I, ate a banana and then went and laid with the family in bed until I had to leave. I fed James again, held him and cried that I would miss our daily babbles and reading together, then went off to work.
The Grandma stayed the night to watch James after the BF left for work. I feel so lucky and blessed to be able to have a relative care for him like her own while I am gone. I think it would be ten times harder to go back to work leaving him in the care of a stranger. The night before I got all the bottles ready, cleaned and sanitized my pump, planned my outfit and did everything I could to make the morning easier and it worked. The Grandma knows the routine of James and what/where things are in the house, I knew he would not starve. But the idea of someone else being there for him when he cries, when he is hungry and when he needs love feels like…. Well, like I should be doing it. How do I know that she is doing everything like I want it? Is she reading to him? Is she comforting him the right way, as in the way I do? Is she doing everything like me? Chances are, no. I know that she will do the necessary things, give him tummy time, give him his vitamin D, change him with the right diapers and ointment, and feed him with his bottles and my milk. I also know that she loves him and would never hurt him. But she is a different person from me; I know that I have to give her the freedom to bond with my child in order for their relationship to work while mommy works.
But still, I couldn’t help but feel all day that I was not neglecting him, but I guess, letting him down. I know we have bills to pay and my medical is needed, but what about the bond between my baby and I? Is this guild unnecessary? Am I just being selfish with just wanting me to provide for my baby? Are there other mothers out there that feel the way I do? I honestly don’t know, but I will continue to try and work until we can afford to have me not to. Luckily I am on out in the field (as my work goes) about 2.5 days a week and the rest I can work out of the home. It’s definitely not as bad as some moms have it and I praise you all for your courage to do it.
On the other hand, I must say that it was nice to socialize with others and talk about other things then the baby. And all in all, I like my Job its interesting (sometimes) and I get to meet a lot of people and see a lot of businesses in my hometown.
I guess we will see how this first week goes, then the first month and then for however long it needs to continue. Any other working moms out there with words of advice, please share and please let me know if this whip of mothers guilt gets easier…
On the weight loss side, I am down 3 pounds and I think I owe it to gluten and dairy free diet (thanks Sis for turning me on to it)… I’ll talk more about it next time.